I have always struggled with this classification of myself, Am I alone or lonely? According to the topics I have read, I am a both of these. I know wherever by myself I am alone. It is good to be alone. Alone allows you to be creative, productive, to accomplish thought. I am sitting here, alone in my room, writing this blog. That is a good thing.
Now, once I stop writing this post and have nothing to do, that is when I am lonely. Lonely is a feeling. It comes from being socially isolated. As human being, we crave social interaction. It keeps us alive. I hate feeling lonely. I know that outside of my immediate family, I have no one. I don't have anyone I can turn to on a regular basis for a social connection.
I have no friends, not really. I do not have the type of friends one call every day to share some news or invite somewhere or be invited. I don't even have a best friend, someone I can call upon in times of trouble. I don't have that one person in which I can depend.
Jessica and I are broken up again. I guess I should say we shouldn't have tried getting back together. I pushed her into getting back together with me. I spent 3 months going around in conversation wanting her in my life. I broke her will. At the time and presently, I love her. I want to marry her. All the things I said about her previously are true. I believe them to be true. My family didn't want her because of me. My family knows that my greatest desire is to have a wife and ultimately a family of my own. That would cure the loneliness. At least, that is what I suspect. I have the person that I love the most and she loves me equally me.
The point I was trying to make is that I am lonely without her. I miss her. I miss knowing that we could talk and share things. We understood each other, more than I have ever known. I think she would say the same. She did say it to me. She also suffers from being lonely. She was my best friend and I hers. I want to talk to her so badly. I want to know if the new job offered her a decent salary. I want to what is happening in her life.
See? There I go again. "I want...I want..." I want these things of her. My selfishness. I wanted her to marry me knowing that my family did not want her. See how selfish I am. Maybe in time they could have wanted her and loved her but how long would that have taken? How much would her soul be compromised due to this?
Back to being lonely. Being the caregiver to my family has also created my loneliness. Caregiving creates further social isolation. I have been the caretaker of my family for 16 years and counting. I withdrew from life to ensure they had a roof over their heads, clothes, food to eat, and so much more.
This task started when I was around 20 years old. The time of your life when one is typically in college, which I was, making lasting friendships and exploring life. I had to withdraw from college. My initial plan was to go back to living on campus the following semester after my mother's back surgery. The surgery went wrong and hence I stayed. The friends I did have at college, I never saw again. I took on a full-time job. I became the single parent to my sister; taking her to school, cooking, getting her dressed. I became the part-time nurse for my mother; bathing her, bathroom trips, cooking, cleaning, etc. My mother and my roles reversed. I was the adult and she became the child so to speak.
I systematically became lonely. Not at first, because I was too busy to notice. Once things in life settled down, I noticed how lonely I was. I had no friends, no romantic interests, no social activities. I had no outlets to nurture my need for social connection. The jobs I worked put me with people and there was social interaction. Those people didn't satisfy my need for connection, friendship. They wouldn't understand my life.
I dated here and there. I think I choose flawed women to be involved with so that if the relationship ended, then I knew that we were not going to end up together. The loss would hurt I would easily heal. I didn't think I was unworthy of love. I thought "what grown woman would choose this life?" My priority would be split between my wife and the needs of my mom. To be with me, meant that she wouldn't be the only one in charge of the household. There would be 2 women trying to control the house, 2 differences of opinion. The romances I did have made me think because those women loved me in spite of my caregiving situation. This gave me hope for the future. If a less suitable woman could imagine a life with me, then a more suitable woman for me could do the same and more.
Social settings, such as, bars or clubs were not going to work for me either. I am a Christian. Even though, it's not a sin to go to those places to dance or drink. I don't consider it much of a good time. They are loud, often smelly, and bad for real conversation. I would go every once in awhile with people from work but it caused more internal stress. I would just feel more alone and lonelier.
Did I mention that I am an introverted person? I am. Loud, noisy, crowded places drain me and stress me out. I am not some shut me in. I do leave my room and my home. I go to work, school and the places I need to go. I simply don't have anyone to do them with or want to do them with. I don't know what the solution is. I know I hate feeling lonely. I hate even more that I have no one to do things with or someone to just spend some time. I miss my friend, my love. God help me.
Now, once I stop writing this post and have nothing to do, that is when I am lonely. Lonely is a feeling. It comes from being socially isolated. As human being, we crave social interaction. It keeps us alive. I hate feeling lonely. I know that outside of my immediate family, I have no one. I don't have anyone I can turn to on a regular basis for a social connection.
I have no friends, not really. I do not have the type of friends one call every day to share some news or invite somewhere or be invited. I don't even have a best friend, someone I can call upon in times of trouble. I don't have that one person in which I can depend.
Jessica and I are broken up again. I guess I should say we shouldn't have tried getting back together. I pushed her into getting back together with me. I spent 3 months going around in conversation wanting her in my life. I broke her will. At the time and presently, I love her. I want to marry her. All the things I said about her previously are true. I believe them to be true. My family didn't want her because of me. My family knows that my greatest desire is to have a wife and ultimately a family of my own. That would cure the loneliness. At least, that is what I suspect. I have the person that I love the most and she loves me equally me.
The point I was trying to make is that I am lonely without her. I miss her. I miss knowing that we could talk and share things. We understood each other, more than I have ever known. I think she would say the same. She did say it to me. She also suffers from being lonely. She was my best friend and I hers. I want to talk to her so badly. I want to know if the new job offered her a decent salary. I want to what is happening in her life.
See? There I go again. "I want...I want..." I want these things of her. My selfishness. I wanted her to marry me knowing that my family did not want her. See how selfish I am. Maybe in time they could have wanted her and loved her but how long would that have taken? How much would her soul be compromised due to this?
Back to being lonely. Being the caregiver to my family has also created my loneliness. Caregiving creates further social isolation. I have been the caretaker of my family for 16 years and counting. I withdrew from life to ensure they had a roof over their heads, clothes, food to eat, and so much more.
This task started when I was around 20 years old. The time of your life when one is typically in college, which I was, making lasting friendships and exploring life. I had to withdraw from college. My initial plan was to go back to living on campus the following semester after my mother's back surgery. The surgery went wrong and hence I stayed. The friends I did have at college, I never saw again. I took on a full-time job. I became the single parent to my sister; taking her to school, cooking, getting her dressed. I became the part-time nurse for my mother; bathing her, bathroom trips, cooking, cleaning, etc. My mother and my roles reversed. I was the adult and she became the child so to speak.
I systematically became lonely. Not at first, because I was too busy to notice. Once things in life settled down, I noticed how lonely I was. I had no friends, no romantic interests, no social activities. I had no outlets to nurture my need for social connection. The jobs I worked put me with people and there was social interaction. Those people didn't satisfy my need for connection, friendship. They wouldn't understand my life.
I dated here and there. I think I choose flawed women to be involved with so that if the relationship ended, then I knew that we were not going to end up together. The loss would hurt I would easily heal. I didn't think I was unworthy of love. I thought "what grown woman would choose this life?" My priority would be split between my wife and the needs of my mom. To be with me, meant that she wouldn't be the only one in charge of the household. There would be 2 women trying to control the house, 2 differences of opinion. The romances I did have made me think because those women loved me in spite of my caregiving situation. This gave me hope for the future. If a less suitable woman could imagine a life with me, then a more suitable woman for me could do the same and more.
Social settings, such as, bars or clubs were not going to work for me either. I am a Christian. Even though, it's not a sin to go to those places to dance or drink. I don't consider it much of a good time. They are loud, often smelly, and bad for real conversation. I would go every once in awhile with people from work but it caused more internal stress. I would just feel more alone and lonelier.
Did I mention that I am an introverted person? I am. Loud, noisy, crowded places drain me and stress me out. I am not some shut me in. I do leave my room and my home. I go to work, school and the places I need to go. I simply don't have anyone to do them with or want to do them with. I don't know what the solution is. I know I hate feeling lonely. I hate even more that I have no one to do things with or someone to just spend some time. I miss my friend, my love. God help me.
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