The other day, more than likely Tuesday, I changed my profile picture on Facebook to a lone samurai warrior, with sword in hand, walking towards the water. In the picture, the sky is overcast. To me, he looks defeated. His head is down. His sword is in his hand but not in a way that signifies he is going to attack. I searched for the image; "lone samurai warrior in surrender." It was the best representation I could find.
That is how I view myself, a samurai warrior. I am the defeated samurai warrior. I lost the war for the love of Jessica, my Peace and Joy. I still love her. That hasn't changed. I am no longer filled with rage from my defeat. I just know that we will never be one, so I must surrender. I am taking my fiery passion and going home to rest. I don't know when I'll be able to fight again but it is not anytime soon.
I am thankful though she left me with the gift of this blog to purge my thoughts. I am also fearful because she and her brother are the only ones who know I am writing here. I have noticed the view count on the posts I have penned over the past 2 days. Someone is reading. If the person is her, then she will get to see the sad, broken, flawed man that I am.
I can take solace in knowing that I was the wrong one in all of this. My family knew it. She discovered it through her praying to God after being wronged by my family. I was the one who refused to see it or believed I could out will God's sovereignty. If anything, I have accelerated her into her destiny, God's plan for her life. There she will finally meet a man, who has a family who wants and loves her sight unseen and seen.
Where does that leave me? I am once again trying to find what God wants for me in this life. The search for love these 2 years has certainly gotten me distracted from God's heart. At the same time, my future wife isn't just going to appear out of thin air and into life. So, there must be some searching that must be done. I think I said in a previous post or one I am still drafting, that I will not pursue another relationship until I am free from my family's obligation. At least, I know that I cannot hurt another woman with my desire to love and be loved. I still have school to finish. There are no classes now so I am awaiting the new semester. I certainly haven't felt God's calling as I try to finish, only frustration. At work, I am still waiting for promotion, another increase, or something new. I am sure I can work on removing the resentment I have with my family for seemingly standing in the way of me finding love for myself. These tasks are something to do while I rest and recover from my battles.
That is how I view myself, a samurai warrior. I am the defeated samurai warrior. I lost the war for the love of Jessica, my Peace and Joy. I still love her. That hasn't changed. I am no longer filled with rage from my defeat. I just know that we will never be one, so I must surrender. I am taking my fiery passion and going home to rest. I don't know when I'll be able to fight again but it is not anytime soon.
I am thankful though she left me with the gift of this blog to purge my thoughts. I am also fearful because she and her brother are the only ones who know I am writing here. I have noticed the view count on the posts I have penned over the past 2 days. Someone is reading. If the person is her, then she will get to see the sad, broken, flawed man that I am.
I can take solace in knowing that I was the wrong one in all of this. My family knew it. She discovered it through her praying to God after being wronged by my family. I was the one who refused to see it or believed I could out will God's sovereignty. If anything, I have accelerated her into her destiny, God's plan for her life. There she will finally meet a man, who has a family who wants and loves her sight unseen and seen.
Where does that leave me? I am once again trying to find what God wants for me in this life. The search for love these 2 years has certainly gotten me distracted from God's heart. At the same time, my future wife isn't just going to appear out of thin air and into life. So, there must be some searching that must be done. I think I said in a previous post or one I am still drafting, that I will not pursue another relationship until I am free from my family's obligation. At least, I know that I cannot hurt another woman with my desire to love and be loved. I still have school to finish. There are no classes now so I am awaiting the new semester. I certainly haven't felt God's calling as I try to finish, only frustration. At work, I am still waiting for promotion, another increase, or something new. I am sure I can work on removing the resentment I have with my family for seemingly standing in the way of me finding love for myself. These tasks are something to do while I rest and recover from my battles.
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