Yesterday, I choked. I failed to say what I needed to say... what I should have said.
Why didn't I just say the thing early on? Because I was scared. I was scared that she wouldn't understand. The last person didn't understand. I said the thing last time and it caused all these suspicions. It just reassured that the next person wouldn't understand so I kept it to myself.
Anyway, I hurt P&J again. Of course, the self-loathing and self hate begins to start. I hate hurting her. Yet, I do. Why do I keep things from the people who love me? I keep things from my family because I have had to share every aspect of my life. The only thing I have are my thoughts. I need something of mine. From P&J, it is because if she knew she might not love me. That's the truth of it right there; I fear that no one will love with all of my flaws and current situation.
To be honest, P&J probably would understand the story. To tell it though, it makes me despise myself. In my humanness, I tainted it...corrupted it. It's messy but I am not messy. The God that resides in me, tells me it is a beautiful I did. A life was saved. A family was saved...or the family has hope for the future (I am crying even more now). The person says I am amazing but I don't feel amazing.
I'm sorry. I am rambling. I prayed to God this morning before I left for church. I asked Him to help me in my mess. I asked Him to fix it. I hit "play" on my phone and this song played instead of the one that was previously showing:
Chris August - Let There Be Light
Why didn't I just say the thing early on? Because I was scared. I was scared that she wouldn't understand. The last person didn't understand. I said the thing last time and it caused all these suspicions. It just reassured that the next person wouldn't understand so I kept it to myself.
Anyway, I hurt P&J again. Of course, the self-loathing and self hate begins to start. I hate hurting her. Yet, I do. Why do I keep things from the people who love me? I keep things from my family because I have had to share every aspect of my life. The only thing I have are my thoughts. I need something of mine. From P&J, it is because if she knew she might not love me. That's the truth of it right there; I fear that no one will love with all of my flaws and current situation.
To be honest, P&J probably would understand the story. To tell it though, it makes me despise myself. In my humanness, I tainted it...corrupted it. It's messy but I am not messy. The God that resides in me, tells me it is a beautiful I did. A life was saved. A family was saved...or the family has hope for the future (I am crying even more now). The person says I am amazing but I don't feel amazing.
I'm sorry. I am rambling. I prayed to God this morning before I left for church. I asked Him to help me in my mess. I asked Him to fix it. I hit "play" on my phone and this song played instead of the one that was previously showing:
Chris August - Let There Be Light
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