Scorched Earth

I have had many thoughts since the last time I was on here. The main thought is that I am angry. I posted a picture of scorched earth as my wallpaper on Facebook. The picture is the epitome of how I feel right now with my anger. The picture shows the sun over a barren land. It looks hot wherever this place is. It is so hot and dry that the ground has cracked open. Nothing can or will ever grow there for many years to come.

There's plenty of people to be angry at right the moment: Jessica, my mother, my sister, myself, and God. The question then becomes who am I angry at the most:

   Jessica for choosing her family's approval over my love. Jessica for allowing me to come back to her before she talked to her parents and letting their disapproval weigh on her decision. Jessica for allowing her hurt and anger with my mother take priority over us.

 My mother for causing the rift between Jessica and I in the first place. My mother for being the burden I can't get unload. My mother who seems to be at the center of any discord in my latest relationships. 

  My sister shares some of the blame for the rift but I don't think I am truly anger at her, 

  I am angry with myself for not waiting for Jessica to speak to her parents before I returned to her. I am angry because I am alone. I am angry because everything I want or the only thing I want is still out of reach. 

  I can always be angry with God. I mean look at my life. At the age of 19 or 20, my mother had a back surgery that changed my life forever. A surgery that was only supposed to have a rehabilitation time of 2 weeks turned into a month. I had to withdraw from college. I had to be the sole source of care for my younger sister and my mother. Whatever friends I had I lost. A social life, romantic or otherwise, I didn't have time for or I didn't know how to incorporate them. I am 35 now. I have been doing this for 16 years with no end in sight.

When will this anger, this fury subside? I don't know. For now, I pour the flames of my mind onto the page. Maybe after all of the fire has been poured out, healing and growth can spring anew.